Feeling low because of work, have taken time off to think about where I'm headed. where am I headed? God knows! you sit and think sometimes and by the time you are finished thinking you are back where you started. Do I think too much? probably! I have been told before to switch my brain off, get fucked! how am I supposed to do that? Feeling very stuck right now.

Spending my days sourcing information and a variety of things that would be great to get happening. I have been toying with the idea of writing a novel , hence the bit I wrote previously. So many ideas going on in my head and wouldn't it be great to just have the time without all the stress to be able to do them. You see so many people from all over the world doing what they love and ask yourself is it going to happen for me? So many positive affirmations  and positive thinking, it's got to happen soon! Maybe I should get the Secret out and listen to it again LOL! I spent so much time listening to it and watching it a couple of years ago But, it doesn't appear to have made a great difference. Neither have the Chrystal's that I placed all over my body nor the meditation that I endured sitting cross legged on the floor to the point my legs fell asleep and I was unable to stand until I regained my blood flow ha ha! Does any of it really actually work? You'd have to ask yourself, if it does then why is it that after centuries of meditation and Chrystal's and mantras and so on that more people aren't in a better place than what they are. Buddhist monks don't appear to have a great life to me really! They have been displaced and are living in exile thanks to China yet, they sit in meditation for the majority of their lives. Shouldn't they have the most amazing lives by now with all that meditation? I'd be thinking so. Don't get me wrong! I believe in alot of what Buddhists believe in but, it doesn't really make a great deal of sense to me. Who has the time to sit for hours of meditation these days? I know people that believe in Buddhism yet they are still struggling and do it hard. I certainly don't believe in the adage that you must suffer to gain enlightenment. that's just a cop out because your living a life of shit and you're trying to make excuses.

I have tried to live a harmonious life and try to be nice to people. I have meditated and used mantras and slept with Chrystal's and positive affirmed myself stupid yet! where am I? I wouldn't say that I have found the path to wealth and happiness and contentment, if anything, I actually feel let down and disillusioned by having not reached spiritual bliss, if that's what it's called. I have struggled just about everyday of my adult life, trying to positive speak and try to make things better if I try this or maybe it will be better if I try that. Maybe I should try and change this about me because, is that what people want from me? I have tried to change myself so often these last ten years of my life, maybe I have lost who I am. Maybe I lost who I was after Phil died because That's when I noticed that something died (if that's what you wonna call it) in me and I lost my spirit. I was a very social being before that happened and I think I became shut out or I shut myself out. I became half the person I was and you hear it so often after some one looses their partner. I don't know why it happened but it did and that's where all the trouble began I guess. Quite often I ask myself why am I here? Why did what ever higher being not let me die when I came so close. What lessons am I to learn? When will I learn them? Am I going to finally have a better life before I do eventually leave this world? because to date, it has been extremely hard.
I know that I am not the only one in this world that probably feels this way, this is just my story and view on the whole thing.

I have spent so many years now just wanting to be accepted and feel loved and share love with people that have come into my life. I have wanted harmony and peace. I have projected this for so long, yet! I feel so miss understood.